Bullshit Healthy Things

Let’s face it, sometimes you just need cake.

And sometimes, when you go to Costco, even though you have told yourself a hundred times that it’s not a good idea (you’ve learned this from experience), you end up taking home that 10lb bag of carrots because you need a few carrots and you don’t want to go to a separate grocery store just for fucking carrots.

Furthermore, some weeks when you’re working a lot and are not caught up with keeping consumable snacks in the house, your preteen children complain bitterly that there’s nothing to eat after school and hassle you to within an inch of your sanity.

Obviously the solution to all of these problems is carrot cake. But what to do if you don’t want all the sugar and junkiness of cake? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!

Carrot Apple Muffins

Bullshit Healthy Carrot Apple Muffins

Preheat oven to 425F, and line your muffin tins with parchment cups – this recipe makes 18 muffins so that’s how many cups you’ll need to have ready.

Dry stuff: mix the following in a big bowl – bigger than you think you need:

1 ¾ cups whole wheat flour

2 scoops vegan protein powder (unflavored, vanilla, or I used Epicure Optimum Vegan Protein Blend which has a mild coconut flavor)

1 ½ tsp baking powder

1 ½ tsp cinnamon

1 tsp ginger

½ tsp nutmeg

Wet stuff: mix the following in whatever bowl it fits in:

3 cups shredded carrots (this is a lot of carrots. If you don’t have a food processor with a shredder, you’re going to be grating for a looooong time. I am not above bribing my children to do this part of the job)

2 apples, diced

1 cup milk

½ cup maple syrup

⅓ cup coconut oil, melted

2 eggs

Pour the wet mixture into the dry mixture and quickly stir to combine. Don’t be a perfectionist; some lumpiness is okay. Spoon the batter into your prepared muffin cups and bake for 13-15min.

These little mofo’s are delicious on their own, but if it’s cake with icing that you’re after feel free to pipe some cream cheese icing onto the top of each muffin (after they’ve cooled of course.)

Cream Cheese Icing

2 cups cream cheese

4 cups icing sugar

1 tsp. Vanilla

Whip all the ingredients together using an electric mixer and pipe over the muffins. You can use an icing bag with fancy nozzles for this step or just dump the whole mess into a freezer bag and cut a corner off – it’ll taste awesome either way!

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