Advertise to Your Ass

I’ve decided that for my next trick I must learn to speak German. Or Icelandic.

german

I’m serious – I’ve been watching a lot of European strongman training videos on YouTube lately and I would dearly love to understand what they’re saying. Because, you know, watching ginormous dudes pick up atlas stones and cars and logs is fun and exciting and all but I feel like I’m missing out on good information. Also languages are cool.

You know what’s not cool at all though? Opening up a video on YouTube and having to vomit into my mouth  for a minute and a half while I watch the commercial for Special K Pastry Crisps while I wait for my German strongman video to load, because for fuck’s sake:

speck2

“You’ve been so good all day. Satisfy your snack time craving and maintain your healthy lifestyle at the same time. New Special K* Chocolatey Caramel Pastry Crisps are a light and delicious treat you can enjoy two for 100 calories. Now this is an indulgence you can feel good about.”

**copied directly from specialk.ca

Because “being good” and “being bad” are words that should never describe eating habits. Because cravings are a sign that your diet is missing something. Because there is absolutely no place in a “healthy lifestyle” for that fucking garbage (unless calorie-reduced diet ‘crisps’ are your favorite thing ever, in which case go ahead but I question your taste). Because I shouldn’t feel good about other indulgences? Fuck you. And also your grammar is shit.

The commercial is even worse – patronizing and guilt- and fear-mongering and sexist and…would you ever in a million years start a commercial with “we got a bunch of men together and invited them to eat on camera, guilt free”? I could go on and on but I won’t because I have more stuff I need to rant about.

woman%20guilt%202

One problem with spending any time at all online is that the internet starts to think it knows who you are and then starts tailoring what kind of advertising to show you. It has figured out that I am female and that I am interested in fitness and health (I can’t imagine how that might have happened) and therefore I am party to lots of advertising of health and fitness products designed for women. Gimmicky shit that plays on all the insecurities that blanket our gender and hold us down, just because there’s more money to be made that way. The manufacturing sector would lose billions – BILLIONS – if we decided suddenly that in order to be the best versions of ourselves we’d eat good food, train hard at doing stuff we like, and love ourselves and be supportive of each other no matter what the outcome was.

Speaking of training, I am sick to death of looking at advertisements for training programs geared specifically toward women. What the ever-loving fuck is a female specific training plan?

love-handles-muffin-top-melter-printable-gym-workout

No really – take a moment and think about what comes to mind. Is it a fat-loss program? Probably. Light weights so we don’t get bulky? Yup – check. “Fixes” for “problem areas”? Right again. My favorite is when male trainers design female-specific programs, so that he can develop a harem of loyal followers that he can “fix”. Ladies, we don’t need female-specific training or diet programs. We need programs that suit our goals, whatever they are, but nobody has “trouble spots” that need “fixing”. We are all (men included) just fine the way we are. If you want to lose fat, get stronger, build muscle or whatever, find a program that works for you that is specific to that goal. But here’s a secret: men and women have the same muscles, in the same places. With a couple of obvious exceptions, our bodies function the same way. (Disclaimer: yes, I know that there are various medical conditions which are gender-specific. I am talking about generally healthy people here – if the term “generally healthy” doesn’t apply to you then you should probably listen to your doctor and not get your advice from anyone on the internet, including me.)

Here’s a handy tip: if it’s marketed specifically to women, it’s probably garbage. If by some weird chance it isn’t garbage, you still shouldn’t spend money on it because they desperately need to change their advertising strategies. They should also fire the asshole who thought it would be a good idea to perpetuate and profit from the ideas that women aren’t good enough, they aren’t very smart, and they are generally too big and need to take up less space. Those ideas are dated, tired, and patently untrue – could we please let them die already?

No, we don’t need your nutritionally void low-calorie snack food that comes in a pink/purple box. If we want to indulge, we will fucking indulge and there will be no guilt or shame or “bad”-ness involved. And no, we don’t need your training or diet advice which will “fix” us or make us sexy or any of that shit. We will train to be awesome at things we like doing and feel good about it. And we will stop feeling guilty about the ways in which we fall short.

Wir sind starke frauen!!

awesome

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